Biography
I was born not so long ago in San Antonio, Texas at precisely 5:34am. My
brown, little head popped out of my white mommy’s YooHoo (we’re all a
little pink inside), and the nurse proclaimed, “A Mexican! Run for your
fucking lives!!” But I ain’t a Mexi. I got me a black daddy.

I was breastfed. Mommy didn’t let me sleep on my back, so my head is
shaped like a watermelon is coming out of the back.

We lived in Austin when I was 5 or so. My sister and I played Road Rash on
Sega Genesis with this girl named Mischa. One time, she dropped a pound of
sugar from the balcony, bent over, pulled her pants down, and spread her
cheeks(Inside:PINK). My first asshole.

In third grade, I broke a boy’s nose playing kickball. I also kicked a
midget when he laughed at me because Jerry beat me up.

I started playing the recorder in fourth grade. I got into the advanced
group and met a girl named Tiffany. Her parents threatened to call the
cops on me after I called her house over ten times asking for her. I was
hung up on each time.

In sixth grade, my father told me to play saxophone when I wanted to play
the tuba. I ended up going with saxophone.

Enter vaginawaterpark.

In eighth grade, this kid Javier showed the kiddies who sat in the back of
the class how he could lift up his copy of The Outsiders up with his
winky.

High school: Eating popcorn off people’s crotches. Disney World. Amusing
potheads with strobe lights.

I went to Berklee College of Music for three semesters. Jäger +
Goldschläger. This is when vaginawaterpark got serious. Thanks Liquid
Cocaine (see above drink)!

After I left Berklee, I worked doing directory assistance. Ya, I was THE
operator! After that, a marketing company. Now I want to be a rockstar!
Greasy hair, heroin, and syphilis. So come on in. The water is warm.